what does it mean when a guy friend doesnt act like he wants to talk when i coe over
"Ghosting" may have been added to Urban Dictionary in 2006, simply in theory, people ghosted long before texting: by not calling dorsum, not showing upwards to a date, non responding to a carrier pigeon. I, notwithstanding, am in the midst of a dating phenomenon that could only occur in the historic period of social media.
I started dating a homo — let'due south call him Tyler — a few months ago. Nosotros met on Tinder, naturally, and later our first date, we added each other on Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram. After our second date, he stopped answering my texts. I soon gathered it was over, but in the ensuing days, I noticed he was watching every single one of my Instagram and Snapchat stories — and was often one of the first people to practise so.
A couple of weeks afterward, subsequently still no correspondence, I decided to unfollow/unfriend Tyler from all three social platforms. On Facebook and Snapchat, that meant we could no longer see each other's content, just on Instagram, no such luck.
Information technology's now been over two months since we've spoken, and Tyler not merely still follows me on Instagram, he looks at every single one of my stories. This is not ghosting. This is orbiting.
The more I described Tyler'south behavior to friends, the more I realized how prevalent this kind of affair was. I dubbed information technology "orbiting" during a chat with my colleague Kara, when she poetically described this phenomenon as a former suitor "keeping y'all in their orbit" — close enough to see each other; far enough to never talk.
My friend Vanessa* recently opened up nigh a similar feel in an email with the subject line: "SO Let ME TELL Yous ABOUT THIS DUDE." She described going on a few "lovely dates" with a guy earlier he told her he wasn't interested. She was fine with that, except for ane pocket-size detail: "He still looks at every single [one of my] Instagram stories to the bespeak where he shows upward at the top of the listing every time."
(Instagram has never released why some people continually show up at the top of story views, but some Redditors have sniffed out that it could be indicative of those who lurk your contour the well-nigh, which would make Vanessa's observation fifty-fifty more vexing. This is just speculative, though.)
"He even responds to pictures that I'll post of my family unit. And he'll favorite and respond to my tweets besides," she wrote. Vanessa admits in that location's been written correspondence — a tweet reply here, a "haha" comment at that place — but largely, this man is in her orbit, seemingly keeping tabs on her with with no intention of engaging her in meaningful chat or, you lot know, dating her.
"Orbiting is the perfect word for this experience," she wrote, "considering right now I'yard so annoyed I wish I could launch him straight into space."
As it turns out, this frustration isn't limited to women. Philip Ellis, a writer who lives in the U.K., has been "orbited" as well: "I'grand super familiar with orbiting," Philip told me in an electronic mail. "Guys seem to do information technology when they want to keep their options open, which is a common theme with online dating."
Then why do people orbit? What'south the impetus for this half-assed pseudo form of ghosting?
Theory #1: It'southward a Ability Movement
Philip believes orbiting takes on actress dash in the gay male community. "I also think with gay guys at that place's the added layer of belonging to a smaller community where everybody knows each other, fifty-fifty if only through Instagram — then maybe maintaining a presence on the periphery of somebody'south profile is a diplomatic mensurate?"
It'due south kind of like how you stay friends with your cousin on Facebook for the sake of Christmas and Easter gatherings.
Philip also theorizes that there's a strategic move behind orbiting, describing it as "a not very subtle mode of letting them know you're still on friendly terms, and that y'all'll even so say howdy when you lot inevitably see them at the bar. Information technology'southward kind of like how y'all stay friends with your cousin on Facebook for the sake of Christmas and Easter gatherings."
Taylor Lorenz, social media reporter at The Daily Beast who has written near how Instagram affects mod relationships, too believes that orbiting may be a calculative action: "Yous want to keep someone on the table or don't desire to totally write someone off," she says of why someone might orbit. "You'd [perhaps] want to slide into their DMs but don't actively want to engage."
Taylor, like Philip, suggests that this is a pattern amid men. She says, "I experience similar it'southward guys' mode of keeping yous in their 'book of women.' I block anyone who does that. You don't get the privilege to sentinel my quality content and not text me back!"
Theory #2: They Have No Idea What They're Doing
I tin can't help just wonder whether some people, like Tyler, just don't know the ramifications of their actions. Perhaps he doesn't know I tin encounter that he'southward viewing my stories.
This isn't a particularly scientific measure, but: The question "can someone see that I viewed their instagram story if we are not friends" yields tens of millions of results on Google. (Instagram doesn't categorize followers as "friends," merely I digress.) Who is googling this?!
Another friend of mine, Alex, has experienced this firsthand. "I was dating this guy — nosotros had been dating for maybe two or three months — when Valentine'south Day came around, and he started ignoring my texts while he was watching my Snapchat stories. I got so mad that I texted him that he better stop watching my stories if he planned to keep ignoring my messages, and he goes, 'Wait, you tin can come across that?'"
He started ignoring my texts while he was watching my Snapchat stories. I got and so mad that I texted him that he better cease watching my stories if he planned to go along ignoring my letters.
Indeed, The Daily Beast's Lorenz believes that some people could just be ignorant to that Instagram and Snapchat feature. "It's amazing how many people don't know you tin can run across who's viewed your Instagram story—maybe they just never [checked their own]?"
I, for 1, tin't imagine adding a story and just letting it float abroad in the ether, never checking whether anyone saw information technology. Merely that's but me. Still, this doesn't explain why they're looking in the first place. And for those who are liking and commenting, the question of visibility is answered: They know you know. So why?
Theory #3: Fear of Missing Out (on You, an Amazing Person)
"On the surface, 'orbiting' seems like relatively unusual behavior," says Dr. Rachel O'Neill, a licensed professional clinical advisor and Talkspace provider who specializes in working with relationship issues — peculiarly those involving social media. She proposes a few explanations for why Tyler and others might orbit. "Role of this orbiting behavior is really related to the underlying FOMO. The person might not necessarily be ready to commit to a human relationship; however, there's a concern that if they were to completely eliminate contact with you lot, and then they might miss the opportunity to reconnect with you later on."
"Social media offers a unique, voyeuristic await into the lives of individuals with whom we take fifty-fifty the most casual of relationships," O'Neill says. "Orbiting besides offers the opportunity for the orbiter to maintain a commitment-gratuitous connection with y'all. If circumstances change (for example, the orbiter decides they want to pursue a relationship), the orbiting behavior also offers a relatively like shooting fish in a barrel entry to return back into your life (i.eastward., commenting on a post, DMing)."
O'Neill believes, as Lorenz and Philip suggested, that orbiting is a course of keeping tabs on a person — of keeping the option open for a future relationship. "I take to say, I have done it a lilliputian bit, just I at least have the decency to do information technology from a burner account," Lorenz jokes. "Sometimes you do wanna come across what somebody'southward up to."
I admit, the desire to check up on someone you used to know (whether it was platonic or romantic) is potent. I accept definitely creeped on people's social media accounts and fifty-fifty resolved to finish doing information technology and then much for the sake of my mental health.
Creeping, however, is distinct from orbiting. I creep on people I haven't talked to in a while, but dissimilar with orbiting, they oasis't reached out to me. Not texting someone dorsum merely continuing to look at their social media content near feels like a betrayal.
Dating is more nuanced than it'due south e'er been. In a earth where we can find a partner at our fingertips and follow their daily lives past just opening an app, it's tempting to keep upwardly with them, fifty-fifty if we're not that interested. Simply orbiting has me stumped; it'due south seems a particularly puzzling flavor of creeping. Accept you always orbited? Have you been orbited yourself? I'm eager to fissure this code.
*Names changed.
Collages by Louisiana Mei Gelpi.
Source: https://repeller.com/orbiting-is-the-new-ghosting/
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